"Unwanted. Unsettling. Unsafe. Let’s Talk About Stalking."

Written By Rhiannon Jones

When we think of stalking, we might imagine someone lurking in the bushes or following someone home. But the truth is, stalking is often a lot more subtle, confusing and at times frankly bizarre, than people imagine. It is also becoming increasingly more common, with statistics showing that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 11 men have experience of stalking. From obsessive and persistent texting or emails, to the downloading of spyware, the methods used by stalkers to invade people’s personal lives have evolved. In this blog, I aim to shed light on the typology of stalkers and their behaviour, discuss the impact on victims, and offer tools to help people stay safe.

 

What is stalking?

Stalking is a pattern of unwanted attention and behaviour that causes a person to feel fearful, harassed or in danger. It is perpetrated by one individual, who may or may not be known to the victim and is a persistent and repeated form of surveillance, contact or threat. It is motivated by the fixation and obsession of one individual, on another and while it can occur in person, it increasingly takes place online, known as cyberstalking.

 

What are common stalking behaviours?

  • Repeated, unwanted communication (calls, texts, emails).

  • Following or watching someone from a distance.

  • Showing up uninvited to someone’s home, workplace, or social events.

  • Sending gifts or messages after being asked to stop.

  • Using technology or social media to track someone's movements or activities.

 

Stalker Typology –

In 1999, Paul Mullen and his colleagues developed a classification system for understanding the motivation behind those who stalk and the relationship dynamics between the stalker and the victim.

  • The Rejected Stalker – This has been highlighted as one of the more common examples of stalking and is initiated following the breakdown of a close and usually sexual/intimate relationship. The stalker is motivated by a strong desire to maintain power and control within the relationship, sometimes with the hope that the relationship can be rekindled or (more sinisterly), with the desire to seek revenge on the victim, perhaps for ending the relationship or daring to ‘leave’. This stalker is likely to resort to acts of violence against the victim, particularly if there was already violence within the relationship.

  • The Intimacy Seeking Stalker – This individual will target strangers or acquaintances, motivated by a deep sense of loneliness and the desire for a relationship. The stalker has delusional beliefs about the relationship, for example that they are destined to be with the other person and is a typology often linked to individuals experiencing severe mental illness. Violence is less of a risk within this group, however acts of violence can be shown to those considered to be ‘getting in the way’ of the stalker being with the victim. This type of stalking can persist for long periods of time, as is often not stopped until the stalker receives mental health treatment.

  • The Incompetent suitor – This individual will also target strangers or acquaintances, however unlike the intimacy seeking stalker, the Incompetent Suitor does not hold the belief that they are destined to be with their victim, but more so has difficulties initiating or engaging in the relationship in a skilled way. These individuals often present as having Autism or other learning difficulties, which prevent them from reading the social cues of others, as well as considering the impact that their stalking may have on the victim.

  • The Resentful Stalker – This individual will hold a core belief that they have been wronged or subject to an injustice or mistreatment in some way. This stalker is motivated by the need to seek revenge or ‘put right’ the injustice, often targeting multiple victims, as the stalker takes their grievances to the ‘next in line’.

  •  The Predatory Stalker – This individual is motivated by sadistic and/or sexually deviant gratification. Stalking behaviour is often short, acting as a ‘means to an end’. The stalking is often one of surveillance, prior to a violence and/or sexual assault. The victim is often unaware that they are being stalked.

 

The Impact -

Being stalked can feel like living under a microscope, because of the persistent and relentless nature of its abuse. Stalking can also feel completely disorientating and confusing, particularly when dealing with a stalker who (on the face of it) one-minute presents as loving, considerate and kind. And the next, harmful, frightening, and dangerous. It is no wonder that victims often report feeling deeply anxious and fearful for their personal safety. This can affect individual’s basic needs, such as eating, sleeping and taking care of themselves, as well as a ripple-effect on their ability to go to work safely, socialise with friends or family. Stalking can lead to a significant mistrust in others, with victims often feeling hypervidulant and unsafe in every environment and aspect of their lives.

It must also be acknowledged that Stalking can lead to unthinkable acts of violence against victims, at times resulting in death. This was sadly the case for victims such as Natalie Esack, Holly Gazzard and Alice Ruggles. This is why a very proactive, considered and sometimes urgent response must be taken when supporting victims of stalking.

 

Taking Action and staying safe -

Many countries have enacted anti-stalking laws and victims may obtain Restraining or Stalking protection orders. Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conferences, known as MARAC, act as local meetings where professionals such as the police, social care and domestic abuse services, come together to discuss and support victims of stalking and domestic abuse in their community. More information can be found about MARAC via the resources below.

If you or someone you know is being stalked, here are some essential tips:

  • Document everything – Keep records of messages, encounters, and threats. Although it may feel counter-intuitive, do not block the stalker. It is important that a record can be kept of all the stalkers behaviour. Consider giving your phone/laptop to a trusted friend, if you are finding the constant messages, phone calls or emails too much.

  • Consider documenting the stalkers interactions/behaviours within a diary.

  • Tell your network – This includes your family, friend’s and work. It was identified that stalkers on average contact 21 people around the victim. This could be as a means of befriending them, collecting information or causing disruption to the victim’s life, e.g. making complaints about them to their work.

  • Report it – Contact the police and provide your account of what is going on. Do not feel like you are being a burden or causing a problem. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t and listening to your instincts is essential.

  • Secure your digital presence – Change passwords, update privacy settings and consider using safety apps, such as HollieGuard.

  • Consider putting alarms and/or CCTV in your home – This can provide a physical sense of safety and peace of mind.

  • Vary your daily routine – Consider taking different routes to work, or to see family.

  • Seek Support – Whether this be through a counsellor or therapist, solicitor or advocacy service, reach out to local services and don’t try to hold the enormous weight of stalking on your own.

 

Our culture sometimes romanticises persistent pursuit as a sign of devotion, affection, and love. But in reality, stalking is a violation of boundaries and autonomy. It is not about love—it is about control and power. Raising awareness, supporting victims, and holding perpetrators accountable are essential steps in addressing stalking. Everyone deserves to feel and be safe.

In counselling, we can take a deeper look into the impact that stalking has played on your life, as well as understanding abusive relationship dynamics. If you have been affected by stalking and would like to explore counselling, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Resources –

Rhiannon Jones
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