Understanding Coercive Control: The Hidden Abuse We Need to Talk About
When we talk about domestic abuse, most people think of bruises, broken bones, or verbal tirades and arguments. But there is a quieter, more insidious form of abuse that can be just as damaging—coercive control. This is a pattern of abuse designed by the perpetrator to dominate, isolate, exploit, and harm another person without ever laying a hand on them. And for too long, it has gone unnoticed and unaddressed.
In this blog, we will break down what coercive control is, how to recognise it, understand perpetrator motivation and its impact on survivors. We will also talk about coercive control and consent and what support is available to those experiencing this abuse.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviours used by abusers to dominate their partners. Unlike other forms of abuse, coercive control abusers are more subtle and manipulative in their behaviour, making them hard to identify, even by the survivor.
Women’s Aid, the UK charity supporting and campaigning to bring awareness of this form of domestic abuse, comments ‘Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action.’
The maddening thing about Coercive control, is by its very nature its ability to remain in the shadows. To be invisible to those on the outside. It is perhaps more recognisable for the survivor as a feeling of deep unsettlement and lack of safety, something that can be incredibly difficult to pin-point and identify.
Coined by sociologist Evan Stark, coercive control shifts the focus from isolated incidents of violence, to a sustained campaign of control. It’s not about one explosive argument or one bad day. It’s about ongoing domination.
Common signs and tactics of coercive control
Isolating survivors from friends and family.
Depriving an individual of their basic needs, such as food.
Creating an unpleasant environment if the survivor go against the abusers wishes.
Monitoring of an individual’s time and whereabout – Sometimes via online communication, tools or spyware.
Taking control over aspects of the everyday life, such as where the survivor can go, who they can see, what they can wear and when they can sleep.
Depriving access to support services, such as medical services.
Repeatedly putting the survivor down, chipping away at self-esteem and worth.
Humiliating, degrading, or dehumanising behaviour.
Controlling the survivors finances.
Making threats and/or acts of intimidation.
These tactics are often disguised as passion, protection, or care for the survivor. An abuser might make comments such as “I’m only doing this to protect you”, “I don’t think that person is good for you”, “I’m going to look after your money, because I know that’s something you find difficult”, “I think you will attract the wrong type of attention if you wear that”.
Motivation of abusers
Coercive control can appear to the abuser as ‘safer ground’. Although often mixed with physical, financial, and sexual abuse, there are no physical signs of coercive control and to some, this may give the impression that this form of abuse is not as serious.
A perpetrator of coercive control has a warped sense of entitlement, wanting everything within their world to revolve around them. They are narcissistic by nature, meaning that they do not have the capacity to understand another’s pain or have compassion. More so, they see others as puppets, working for them. In doing so, a perpetrator of coercive control can become the master of their own truth, creating a world in which they cannot be wrong and where other’s opinions, voice and freedom cannot be entertained.
I don’t know about you, but I have often heard some people’s relationship being described as ‘toxic’, with comments such as, “they just have a toxic relationship, their both as bad as each other.” This is fundamentally not the case within coercive control relationships. It is not the relationship which is creating the abuse. The perpetrator is an abusive person.
The impact on survivors
Coercive control is devastating because it erodes a person’s sense of self. Survivors often feel like they are "walking on eggshells," living in a constant state of fear and uncertainty. Survivors are likely to be twisting and turning themselves in a desperate attempt to keep the abuser pleased, often being made to feel as though they are the problem or the abuser themselves.
A significant aspect of coercive control relationships, is that they do not feel bad and abusive to the survivor all of the time. The abuser creates an environment where the ‘highs’ are really high. These are the moments when the survivor feels like change could be possible and there is hope that the relationship and the perpetrator will improve. But what survivors can find most difficult to understand is that these ‘good times’ are not real. They have been orchestrated by the perpetrator to give hope and encourage the survivor to stay, only so their abuse can continue.
Experts like Evan Stark liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.” (Stark, 2007).
Coercive control and consent
Something that was bought to my attention recently, was the discussion around whether consent to sex and sexual activity can be gained within coercive control relationships. Dr Emma Katz, a researcher in domestic violence and coercive control, says that fundamentally consent can not be given where there is coercive control. She comments in the Podcast, ‘Why she stayed’ (linked below), that when consenting to sex or sexual activity, a ‘no’ has to be as viable for an individual to say as a ‘yes’ could be. Within consent you have to have the freedom to give a yes or no answer. Dr Katz argues that within coercive control relationships, this freedom is not possible. A ‘no’ response is ultimately, off-limits due to the fear of what that answer will provoke within the abuser. Often a survivor will consent to sex, not because of a wish for it. But a wish to keep the peace and reduce any further backlash whether this be physical or emotional.
Legal Recognition of Coercive Control
Changes in the law meant that Coercive Control was both recognised and made illegal in the UK in 2015. Those convicted of the crime and sentenced to 12 months or more will automatically be managed under multi-agency public protection arrangements, often referred to as MAPPA. Under MAPPA, the police, probation, prison services and other agencies are legally required to work together to better manage the risks posed by the perpetrator and to protect those around them.
For the first time, this puts controlling or coercive behaviour on a par with other domestic abuse offences, including threats to kill and stalking.
Support Services and useful resources
If you are experiencing coercive control, know this: you are not alone. There is help available, and you deserve to live a life free from fear and control. Please have a look at these helpful webpages and resources.
· Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline
· ‘Why She Stayed’ Podcast – Hosted by Grace Stuart, featuring Dr Emma Katz.
Coercive control is not just about domination. It is about the slow, systematic dismantling of a person’s autonomy and spirit. By raising awareness and supporting survivors, we can start to give voice to their experiences and bring them out of the shadows and into the light. No one should have to live in fear behind closed doors. Let’s start the conversation and raise awareness.
Within my private counselling practice, I specialise in supporting women who have experienced abuse. I offer a space for women to regain control of their lives, through understanding and talking about their experiences. If you feel counselling could help you, please contact me to make arrangements for a free 15-minute introductory call.
References -
Stark, Evan (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.